


A Series Of Unfortunate Events: The Ghastly Guardians AU

by MKTheGreat



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-19 08:16:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20654039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MKTheGreat/pseuds/MKTheGreat
Summary: What if we said "Fuck canon" and there were a bunch of people who really shouldn't be the Baudelaire guardians, are the Baudelaire guardians? I'm better than all of you and what I say goes, so let's watch some new guardians help the Baudelaire siblings fuck shit up.





	1. Chapter 1

If you know anything about the three Baudelaire siblings, you would know that they were intelligent, kind children. You would also know that up to this moment, their lives had been a string of disastrous happenings. They had first lost their parents to a horrible fire, been placed in the care of an appalling man, who then tried to use each of them to get their fortune before escaping with his dastardly acting troupe. The children were currently driving down a tree lined road. under the brief care of a well-meaning but oblivious banker.

"Children, I think you will be very happy with this next choice of mine. She's a perfect fit for you." A voice called to the Baudelaires as they rode in the car to their new guardians home. Violet, Klaus and Sunny turned their attention away from the window and towards Mr. Poe.

"That's what you said about Count Olaf, and look at how that turned out. He fucking escaped!" Klaus replied. Violet elbowed him in the side and glared at him.

"What Klaus means, Mr. Poe, is that we're concerned about the fact that the authorities haven't found Olaf yet." Violet explains as she gave Klaus Sunny to entertain .

"Violet, my dear, I can assure you that the authorities are doing the best that they can. They've just been so busy with other cases that they don't have enough time to look for him!" Mr. Poe replied, joyfully ignorant of the orphans fears.

"_Sauir...retulsoar..._" Sunny said sarcastically, which meant something along the lines of "**_Sure... reassuring..."_**

"Now, Baudelaires, I thought you might be more-" Poe began but was quickly interrupted by harsh coughs. 

"-Excited about this guardian! She's a scientist like you, Violet, and she's got a e-gentrifying personality!" The man finished as he placed his handkerchief back in his pocket. 

"Um, don't you mean "electrifying?" " Klaus asked warily.

"No, I'm positive it's e-gentrifying!" Mr. Poe chirped as he continued to drive the orphan to their new care taker. A short while later, the banker pulled up into the driveway of a large, purple building. It almost looked like a large church. As they all walked towards the front double door, Violet held Sunny close as Klaus walked almost directly behind them.

"Mr. Poe, are you sure we're at the right place?" 

"Of course I'm sure, Klaus! Now, let's meet your new guardian, shall we?" Poe answered as he knocked on the big door. A few brief moments passed before the door opened to reveal a woman with black and white hair, green skin and two different colored eyes.

"Oh, You're finally here! It's voltageous to finally meet you three! Please, come on in!" The woman said enthusiastically as she led the Baudelaires into a grand entryway.

"My name is Francesca Stein, but you three can call me Frankie!" Frankie stated as the Baudelaires placed their belongings on the floor.

"Frankie Stein? Like Frankenstein?..." Klaus asked, puzzled about the strange woman.

"Exactly! You're very clever, young man!" Frankie affirmed as Mr. Poe walked over to her.

"Well, Miss Stein, It's a pleasure to meet you face to face! I'm Mr. Poe from Mulctuary Money Management, we spoke over the phone!"

"Yes, I remember. I appreciate you taking the time to drive the children here." Frankie greeted as Mr. Poe tipped his hat.

"It was really no trouble, Ma'am. Well, Baudelaires, I hate to leave immediately after arriving, but I have some business to attend to back at the bank. Goodbye, Miss Stein." Mr. Poe remarked, shaking Frankie's hand. As he tried to let go, Frankie's hand popped right off of her wrist. Mr. Poe and the Baudelaires yelped before Poe threw the appendage down to the ground.

"Oh, my apologies, Mr. Poe! Sometimes the thing has a mind of its own."

"It's, uh, quite alright, Miss Frankie. Now, if you'll excuse me!" Mr. Poe said frightened before he quickly ran out the door, coughing more as he went. Klaus, Sunny and Violet watched in awe as the hand crawled back towards Frankie, who clicked it right back into place.

"How is that possible?!" Violet nearly shouted as she tried to figure out what had just happened.

"You remember how your brother likened me to Frankenstein? It just so happens that I'm his granddaughter, in the sense that he made my father himself."

"But, then that would make you-"

"The daughter of Frankenstein's Monster, yes. You are right again, Klaus. It is a little strange, I admit that, but everybody is a little strange in their own right."

"_Nai moi._" Sunny babbled, her words meaning something along the lines of "**_Not me._**"

"Are you sure about that Sunny? I've heard that you have some pretty spook-tacular teeth." Frankie joked as she helped the siblings with their stuff.

"Wait, you can understand her? We usually have to translate for her." Klaus asked as Frankie began walking.

"Yeah, I can understand her. One of my best friends is a zombie that only speaks in groans and a few others have very strong accents, so I've gotten used to unusual ways of talking."

"That's very considerate of you, Frankie. If you don't mind me asking, how do you know all of these other, um... people?" Violet inquired carefully.

"Well, this is actually school called Monster High, and during the summer time, it's my home! If you want, I can show you to your room before dinner's ready. And then tomorrow, I can show you three around the grounds. "

"That sounds nice, actually. Thank you very much for letting us stay here." Klaus said as the four of them walked up a flight of stairs.

"It's really no problem! I'm glad you guys are here instead of with that poor excuse of a basta- I mean, man." Frankie giggled as she led the Baudelaire's to their room. When they got to the bedroom, they immediately saw that it was larger than the room Olaf had given them, big enough to fit two beds and a crib inside. It was decorated with various blue and green lightning bolts and black and white stripes.

"Here we are! This used to be my room when I went here, but for now, it belongs to you three."

"Whoa!" Sunny exclaimed while clapping her hands.

"Whoa is right, Sun! This is great!" Klaus said as he leaped onto one of the beds.

"I'm so relieved you like it. I thought the decorations would have deterred you from wanting to stay here."

"No, it's perfect! Thank you again for this." Violet spoke, placing Sunny in the crib.

"It's my pleasure, Baudelaires. Now, feel free to get settled while I go downstairs and get the rest of the food ready!" Frankie articulated, waving as she closed the door to the room.

* * *

About twenty minutes later, the Baudelaires had put all of their belongings away and headed down the staircase to the entryway. As they descended they could hear Frankie talking to someone with a masculine voice. Once they got to the ground level, they saw a man with his back turned talking to the monsterous woman. Frankie looked up from her conversation and saw the Baudelaires walking towards the two adults. 

"Oh, Baudelaires, I was just about to call you down! I would like to introduce you to my new chef, Mort Rottenmister." Frankie called as the man turned around. He faced the siblings with a wicked gleam in his eyes.

"Good evening, children. So good to meet you." Mort crooned as the siblings backed away.

"That's not Mort, That's fucking Olaf!" Klaus yelled as he stood protectively in front of his sisters. 


	2. In which the roast beef is a nightmare inducing disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS: I'm revealing some of the henchpeoples names in this chapter. It just makes future chapters easier

"Who is this "Olaf" character, I'm Mort Rottenmister, of Scare-ussia." Olaf, or Mort told the middle Baudelaire child in a terribly bad Russian accent.

"Bullshit! You look exactly the same, you just painted your skin blue!" Klaus yelled at the man.

"Now, Klaus, that's just absurd! Count Olaf would never risk incarceration just to come for you three." Frankie tried to reason with the boy.

"Yes, he would! That's what he did" Klaus growled as Violet put a hand on his shoulder.

"Baudelaires, I promise, he truly means no harm! Right, Mort?" Frankie questioned calmly.

"Of course not! I am a simple, talented, handsome chef, who also happens to have many sous chefs!" Mort says, the front door slamming open to reveal the rest of the troupe in ill-made monster outfits and make up.

"Roar!" One of the white-faced women shouted to the best of her ability, while the others just stood there dumb-founded at the size of the entry.

"Oh, wonderful! Why don't I show you all to the kitchen and get you started on dinner? Baudelaires, here's a map. Feel free to explore the grounds!" Frankie ended as she led the troupe to the kitchen.

_"Wode a crunk sep ik!_" Sunny chattered, meaning something along the lines of "**_What a chump she is!_**"

"Normally, I wouldn't agree with you, Sun, but I don't think this is one of those instances." Violet told her baby sister.

co"It doesn't look like Frankie's gonna listen to us right now, do you two want to wander the grounds like she said?" Klaus suggested motioning to the open door.

"I guess so. At least Frankies distracting Count Olaf and his troupe for now, so we'll be safe for a little while longer." The eldest Baudelaire agreed as she, Klaus and Sunny went outside. The trio walked along the grassy area surrounding the school building until they reached a sports arena.

"Wow, this place really _is_ a school. Go figure." Klaus shrugged as they walked down a set of stairs to the field. Violet and Klaus sat down while they let Sunny crawl around in the grass nearby.

"So, whats the plan for getting rid of Olaf and the others, Klaus?" Violet asked, tying up her hair then looking around to make sure no one was around to hear them.

"I say we push them all into a pot of boiling curry while they're making dinner. I wouldn't mind seeing Dick-laf boil." He suggested with a sly grin on his face.

"No, that's murder! We can figure out something without stooping to his level. Maybe I can invent something using the lab we passed on our way to our bedroom." Violet responded before picking up Sunny.

"_Peux mordre!_" Sunny put forth, meaning something like "**_I_** **_can bite his ankles 'til he leaves us alone!_**"

"I'm liking Sunny's idea, but I think your's makes much more sense, Vi." Klaus admitted, looking back towards the school.

"So what are we waiting for? Let's go and get to work." Violet stated as the siblings began to make their way back inside. The moment they stepped foot into the school, they were stopped by Olaf.

"Hello, hello, hello, Baude-brats. Where are the three of you pests off to? It's dinnertime!" He said, still disguised as Mort.

"We really aren't hungry for anything you make, dicknips." Klaus hissed at the evil count.

"That's too bad, kid. You're going to eat what we've prepared, weather you like it or not!" Olaf nearly yelled as he dragged the siblings to the dining room where everybody else was waiting.

"Baudelaires, there you are! Thank you for getting them Mort!" Frankie acknowledged as the four sat in their spots at the table.

"It was no, as you say, problem, Francesca Stein!" Olaf pronounced in his cheesy accent.

"So, what did you all prepare after I left you guys to do your work?"

"Well, Miss Stein," started Fernald the hook handed man, who was dressed in a crummy werewolf outfit. "We made one of our delicious specialties, Rottenmister Roast Beef!" he finished, pulling the lid off of a silver tray. The meal looked more grey than it should have, and it had a chicken talon sticking out the side.

"For, as you say, presentation." Olaf sneered as Fernald began to serve everyone.

"This doesn't look very healthy for growing children's diets. They need more nutrients than this." The henchperson of indeterminate gender, Andy exclaimed blankly.

"This doesn't look healthy for anyone." Klaus grimaced as he picked the chicken talon out of the roast beef with his fork.

"Now, Klaus, we should be thankful that the chef's prepared this delicious meal for us! It looks so claw-some!" Frankie says before taking a bite out of it, following the lead of the troupe and Olaf.

"Klaus, if we don't eat this, we might not get to eat anything else 'til we get rid of Olaf. Just imagine it's the barbecue dad used to make." Violet whispered to her brother.

"_Yee, agar yah hamen_!" Sunny shrieked, possibly meaning "**_Yeah, if it doesn't poison us first!_**_"_

The rest of the dinner party that evening was spent with loud chatter from the troupe and Frankie, while the Baudelaires sat and endured the rest of the offensive foods, such as stir fry made with french fries, and fish sandwiches made with entire fishes. Once the trio was finished with their "meals", they exchanged a glance before Violet spoke.

"Um, Frankie, we're pretty tired. Is it alright if we go back to our room?" The teenager asked quietly

"Sure thing, Violet. I'll take you." Frankie obliged, standing up from her chair.

"So will, as you say, I!" Mort said with a devilish smirk.

"Oh, thank you for coming with!" The monster woman said as the group made their way upstairs. Once they reached their destination, Frankie waved them all goodbye.

"See you tommorow, Baudelaires." She cooed before heading down the hallway.

"Sweet dreams, children." Olaf chuckled darkly as he closed the door and followed Frankie.


	3. In which Frankie loses her head

"Klaus, are you awake?" Violet called softly from her bed as she sat up and placed her legs over the edge.

"Yeah, I am. How about you, Sunny." Klaus replied back as he did the same.

"_Nein duc, toso!_" Sunny whispered, meaning "_**No duh, dork**_!"

"Sunny, not now! We have to get to the lab before morning. I have to see if there's anything in there that we can use to show Frankie that Mort is actually Olaf!" Violet quietly hissed before relaying the plan to her brother and sister. The trio got out of their beds before slowly and silently creeping towards the lab.

"Come on, let's get in here before Shit-laf knows we're not in our room." Klaus whispers as he holds the door open for Violet and Sunny. He enters the room too and shuts the door behind them. As they moved around the room, Violet turned on a lamp on the teachers desk to give them a little light as they searched for anything they could use to their advantage.

"What exactly are we looking for, Violet?" Klaus asks as he rummages through a cabinet.

"I think Olaf's blue skin is just acrylic paint, so we would need something like acetone to remove the paint!"

"_Par ici Lilac!_" Sunny shrieked quietly, meaning something along the lines of "**_Over here Violet!_**"

Both of the elder Baudelaires made their way to their youngest sibling, who had chewed a hole into the side of another cabinet. She reached into the opening and struggled to pull out an enormous bottle of nail polish remover. 

"Good job, Sun! This should have enough acetone in it to get rid of the paint without harming Count Bitch-laf!" Klaus says as he ruffles what little hair Sunny has.

"_Ich tirg_!" laughed the baby Baudelaire, which in this case meant "**_I try!_**"

The other two chuckled along quietly before all of them heard footsteps outside the lab's door. Klaus speedily stood up and ran to turn off the desk lamp. The Baudelaires stayed silent as they heard Olaf talking to Fernald.

"That took a lot longer to do than it should have! Why didn't you and the others help me?!" The count snarled at the other man.

"Uh, boss? We did help. You said that we were working too slowly and you pushed us aside to do everything yourself." Fernald relayed to Olaf.

"Well, maybe next time you'll work a bit faster then, huh?!" Count Olaf responded as they continued on past the lab. The Baudelaires stayed mute until they were sure it was safe.

"That was way too close for comfort... we have to be more careful next time." Violet whispered as she placed the large bottle on a nearby table.

"How are we gonna get all of this on Olaf without dragging this entire jug around?" Klaus asked as he sat Sunny on a stool next to him.

"I have an idea, but it's gonna take all night to build and perfect. Take Sunny back to the bedroom, both of you need to get sleep."

"What about you?"

"I'll be alright, just go." Violet commanded as she shooed her siblings out the door. Right as the door shut, Klaus saw Violet tie her hair up with her ribbon. Sunny and Klaus made it back to the room without an incident. The two of the slowly drifted back into sleep once they got into their beds.

The next morning, all three Baudelaire's began to make their way down the main stairs.

"Violet, are you sure you got enough sleep last night?" Klaus questioned as the three siblings all walked together

"Yeah, I'm sure. Don't worry about me when Olaf could be anywhere creeping around here." The teenager answered her brother.

"That's _exactly_ why I'm worried about you..." Klaus muttered as they continued down the stairs.

Once the Baudelaire's hit ground level, all three of them heard a knock at the door. 

"Who the hell could that be?" Klaus whispered to his sisters as the looked at each other. Sunny did a small shrug as Violet walked over to the door to open it. As she pulled it open, the girl was greeted by the grinning face of Mr. Poe.

"Hello, Violet! It's good to see you!" 

"Uh, Hello, Mr.Poe... What brings you here?"

"Well, you see, I was invited to have lunch with that polite woman, Franny!"

"Sok Frankie, ope rigu!" Sunny chattered, meaning something along the lines of "It's Frankie, you idiot!"

"I have no idea what that means! But that's something we'll have to deal with later! Do any of you three happen to know where Miss Stein is?"

"No, we haven't seen here since we went to bed last night." Klaus informed the banker with a wary look.

"I know where Miss Francesca Stein, as you say, is." Olaf announced as he appeared behind Poe.

"Oh, wonderful! I don't think we've met yet. I'm Mr. Poe of Mulctuary Money Management."

"It is so nice to, how you say, meet you! I am Mort Rottenmister of Scare-ussia." 

"Mr. Poe, no! Can't you see that this is Count Olaf?!" The eldest Baudelaire said as she tried to dissuade Poe from interacting with the poorly disguised villain.

"Are you sure, Violet? This man doesn't seem like a Count at all! I mean, look at his silly chef's hat and funny apron."

"Oh, sir, the children are just delusional from not eating today! My sous chefs and I can fix that if you all follow us to the kitchen. Perhaps the children will like to see the food process happen in real time."

"What an excellent idea, Mr. Mort. Let's follow him, children." Mr. Poe responded as he began to push Klaus, Sunny, and Violet towards the cafeteria area. The Baudelaires traded some slightly frightened looks as they got closer to the kitchen, trying not to imagine all the ways Olaf could harm them in there.

"Ah, finally! Mr. Poe and children, welcome to my home away from, how you say, home." Olaf a smirk scantly showing on his face. The count pushed open the door and ushered the rest of the group inside

"Oh my great gosh goodness!" Mr.Poe gasped as they were met with Frankie's headless body lying on the kitchen floor surrounded by splotches of an unknown red substance.


End file.
